Your future mother-in-law… the woman who was kind enough to bring your fiancé into the world. She’s so excited about the wedding. She adores you. She adores him. She adores weddings. Sounds great, right? But what if she adores it all a little too much? Imagine this familiar scenario: A girl, Britney, has been dating a boy, Kevin, for years. Kevin’s mother Julie is nice enough and though they aren’t especially close, she and Britney do get along. Then Kevin proposes and suddenly… Julie is omnipresent. She’s calling every day to check in on the wedding plans and giving loads of unwanted advice. Not just giving advice but making strong suggestions.

If you find yourself as the “Britney” in this situation, here are a few suggestions on how to deal:

1. Recognize. When those strong suggestions come up, give her recognition. That doesn’t mean you have to take her advice, just that you should recognize it. For example: “Thanks for the referral; I really appreciate you thinking of us. We are pretty set on the choice we’ve made, but we’ll definitely consider your co-worker’s husband’s nephew’s band should anything fall through”. Even if you have no intention of ever taking her advice, letting her know you’ll consider her suggestions will make her feel included.
2. Delegate. Clearly, she wants to be involved. The more you say you don’t need her help, the more she is going to want to do something, anything. Think of something small that you can ask her to do to help you– but only if you truly trust her to handle it and are comfortable doing so. You don’t want to resent her more later if things don’t turn out how you expect.
3. Redirect. Try redirecting the conversation whenever possible. “I feel like all we ever talk about is the wedding… what’s new with [your job, the house hunt, your book club, anything that has to do with HER not you].”

If your own version of “Julie” is truly out of control… way out of line, over the top, or even argumentative, these tactics may not help. Ask your fiancé or future father-in-law (if appropriate) to speak with her and ask to give you some space. And if even that will not work, consider speaking to a therapist such as Leigh Finkel, who specializes in “smoothing the personal relationships and potential conflicts that inevitably arise” during wedding planning.

Now of course, not all mother-in-laws behave this way (many are perfectly lovely), and alternately not only mother-in-laws are susceptible to such behavior. You might have an overzealous co-worker, friend, sister, etc. Try to remember they have the best of intentions, and stay calm. Include them where you can, but stand firm on the things that are important to you and don’t hesitate to ask your other family members to help “diffuse” things when needed.

Next in our “How to Deal” series: Slacker Bridesmaids